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Days of our lives

Days of our lives

We could have had it all

 

As told by Shreemi V

 

Being in a relationship makes us normal human beings happy, secure and if nothing else, content (this includes Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory as well, and we all know that guy is cuckoo). Unfortunately relationships these days don’t last as long as they used to.

There are two ways to look at this actually- the bad point:  for our generation everything instant. So if there is instant love (or sex!), there is also instant dhoka. The good thing is that we don’t take anybody’s cr@p anymore, and don’t stick around if we’re are being mistreated (this point is primarily about the women- You go girls!).

 

So in this day and age of break ups happening as fast as Samsung coming up with phones, I have made an acute observation of a pattern happening here. Like not exactly a direct copy like some of our Hindi films, but certain elements here and there, which make break up stories eerily similar.

 

And the thing about break ups is that there are many types. Hence with my aforementioned acute observation (I love this word ‘acute’ makes me feel smart!), I bring to you the standard types of breakups which follow (creepily) similar patterns. They are as creepily similar as how similar Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman look, seriously.

 

  • · I hate you (like I love you): You get what I mean na, this type of break up is the most annoying for the third party, i.e. the friends i.e. usually me (I am always the third party and not in the sexy boyfriend stealer way, alas). This is the type of break up that you trust the least, and yet against all instinct try to help out anyway. That is, this is the ‘On again, Off again’ variety.

 

I think for such couples it becomes like a ridiculous game they play with their friends when they are bored in life.  In such scenarios the girl* comes all teary eyed, smudgy mascara-ed and all that, and howls about the ill treatment meted out to her. Like my friend Shirley (name changed obviously!) recently said to me, “I’ve done so much for him, but he’s so inconsiderate, ya!”

 

So you become the ‘nice friend’ version of yourself- you take the friend out for drinks, hear her out, and most importantly, tell her she deserves better. You join her in abusing him and his ancestors and his future generations, while trying to distract her with a glass of wine. And just like that, the next day, much to your chagrin, you are told that the said friend is back with Mr.Ass, and is calling to invite you to dinner to ‘celebrate’ their forever-love, while you are in intense conflict about whether to avoid facing Mr. Ass since you’ve said all those horrific things about him, or just gorge on free food.

 

(*Note: Applies to male friends as well)

 

  • Tanhayee: This is the sad heartbreak type break up.  It’s as depressing as the beheading of Ned Stark in Game of Thrones. It usually involves cheating or distance or difference of ideologies, etc etc. The issue is so strong, that it cannot be worked out, and the break up is so sudden that it’s a task to find closure. My friend Rohan even confessed to me- “Suddenly Adele’s lyrics becomes your mantras and tissue is your best friend. Yes, we men cry too- in private, of course”.

 

In this type of break up, the heartbroken keep talking about it to their friends, who at first are sympathetic, but soon find it annoying and suggest names of shrinks to visit (Sex and the City had it, if it happens in SATC it happens in your life as well. It’s the golden rule or something). Staring out of windows becomes your favourite pastime, and even an episode of Conan O’Brien’s hilarious talk show makes you weep.

 

  • · Party on my mind: Song lyrics like “karti hai mujhko tease yeh halki halki breeze, there’s party on my mind” get you as excited as the shirtless scene of Ryan Gosling in “Crazy Stupid Love” (for men, the latest issue of the Sports Illustrated magazine). Because in this kind of break up the ‘breakee’ (the person who initiates the break up) is THAT happy to get rid of the other half. Such happiness makes you giddy and giggly which annoys your sulky friends, who think you don’t have a heart, while you hook up with every possible idiot who hits on you. And after months, the breakee will get into a rut of questioning his/her own existence, and whine when the ex/ other half forms a stable functioning relationship with someone else, while you barf over the memories of the random flings you have had with people who spell “decent” as “descent.”   

 

 

  • · Tera pyar hookah bar: When your lover is as elusive and unattainable as a hookah bar in Bombay, there is bound to be heartbreak involved.  Such enigmatic/mysterious/irritatingly attractive people just date you to feed their ego and dump you as soon as they find their hard-to-pin-down objects of affection. Initially, because your self esteem levels are as low as an anchor on a big ship, you feel desolate and helpless, but sooner or later you move on and realize what a crackpot you have been and dominate the hell out of your next partner who is the dumb, ego of a pea size version of you. (Read: Christian Grey)

 

  • · Jaan mein dum: Loud dramatic break ups. Who doesn’t love them! This is by far my favourite kind of a break up because I know I would never have the guts to pull that off and hey, it’s entertainment for the rest of us! This break up happens in a public place usually, and involves screaming parties and hapless friends, some attempt to cool the Mahabharat down while some just memorize every word to repeat it to another bunch of friends later.  The dialogues of such couples is pretty much the same, it goes like this-

 

Girl: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME??!!!

Boy: I CARED! YOU NEVER CARED! I HOOKED UP JUST ONCE, BUT YOU!

Girl: WHAT DO YOU MEAN! YOU HAVE NEVER LOVED ME! YOU DON’T SATISFY ME!

Boy: HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT!

 

Girl weeps, boy storms off, and the audience does a slow clap.

 

My intention in writing this article is not to ridicule the concept of love. As I said above, being in love is awesome!  It’s just fun sometimes to make light of these bittersweet break up moments, and help you smile, instead of weep copiously in the shower.  So there, fall in love with the right one, you’ll thank your stars that the earlier break ups happened then.